So in the last several weeks I have been throwing myself a "pity party" mainly triggered by immense stress as a result of a course I am taking this semester.
What do I mean by a pity party? well, I spend hours on end feeling sorry for myself and trying desperately to feel better by consuming tons of food mainly made up of carbs, sweets, anything that comes to mind that I think may taste good-- I reach for it.
I then try to justify my unhealthy feast by admitting that is triggered by stress (yes, I know that I am human and I've struggled with emotional eating) and then deep down inside in some part of my being thinking this behavior is okay.
Well, it is not okay.
First of all-- I need to take responsibility for my actions. I choose to take said course and thus, I need to face the facts:
Either I do what I need to do by any means necessary (even if it means hibernating for the rest of the semester or waking up at 5 am every morning tostudy my ass off-- pardon my French) OR I drop the class.
It is as simple as that.
I need to face my issues and stop hiding behind massive amounts of food to feel good for 5 seconds and then start feeling bad again. After my "stress induced feast" my work is still not done and I am still frustrated. so, what I am gaining from this aside from gaining weight and feeling miserable? Sometimes in life we like to use the phrase "I wish it was that simple". Well, it is that simple!!!. I understand every circumstance is different But, It is simple because we ALWAYS have a choice. Sometimes choosing what to go for may be difficult
part but the positive side is that we all have a choice and thank goodness for that!
Last night I took a midterm on the computer (using excel) and I nearly had a nervous breakdown in the middle of it. Actually, I think I had one. Tears starting flowing down my face because I was so frustrated with everything. Too many questions, not being sure about the concepts and not being profecient ith excel-- all a horrible combination. I sat there for nearly 3.5 hours and didnt even finish the exam. I had to email the professor the exam with an explanation that it was not my best work-- because it wasnt. I came to the conclusion that when certain things are affecting my quality of life (I am unable to enjoy life, i am eating my life away, I feel frustrated, I am not happy, I dont see a future benefit for the issue that's stressing me out, I feel miserable, etc.) it is time to reassess.
My face is a mess. I have a gazillion break outs which all this stress and bad eating habits are just making it worse.
I also need to stop avoiding certain things:
1. Need to go see a dermatologist
2. Need to go for a physical/women-doctor appointment
3, Need to focus at work
4. Need to talk to my manager about some stuff
Avoiding things and just being a bum is not taking me anywhere. Lets not mention all the money I've spent on junk food during the past 3-4 weeks.
Sorry about this vent-ful post. I like this blog to be as positive as possible. However, I also want to show that I am human, not perfect and I do struggle with life from time to time like everyone else.
And despite the above noted VENT I still find things to feel FORTUNATE for. Sometimes I have to dig deep to find reasons but here you have it:
This week I feel fortunate for...
1. People that push me to be my personal best--- went for a 8 mile run with my sister on Saturday and somehow pushed through, although was it difficult. Thats not something I would be motivated to do on my own.
2. The ability to present my business idea in front of my entrepreneurship class and getting feedback from prospective clients
3. Being able to listen and absorb some quality knowledge from the speakers that my professor brings to the class (real successful entrepreneurs whom are super inspiring!)
4. Understanding that I have an issue with emotional eating and now I have to figure out what to do about it (admitting it is half the battle, right?)
5. MOST IMPORTANT FORTUNATE: Having both my parents alive and healthy. I had a terrible dream last night about one of my parents and woke up in tears in the middle of the night. What an amazing feeling to know that it was simply a dream.
What are u fortunate for this week?Any thoughts on my pity party? have you ever felt that way?